UpdateTroller/Adventure

Episode 1: Fandoms unite!


A young man/troll? stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is this young man's birthday AND the start of the great webcomic, Homestuck. Though it was six solar sweeps ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will the name of this young man or troll be?

Enter name.







HORNSWELL POOPANTICS

Try again, douchebag.

Try again.





HOMESTUCK FANDOM {Correct}

Examine Room.



Your name is Homestuck Fandom, but you can call me HS. As it was mentioned, today is my, I mean, your BIRTHDAY. You have a passion for everything HUSSIE related. You like to make fan-fiction, ship characters, check on Tumblr, and read the web comic over and over. You have a fondness for COSPLAYING, and your aspiring to be a MOVIE COSTUME DESIGNER. You also like to talk CHATROULLETTE sometimes.

What will you do?

HS: Quickly retrieve arms from chest.



You have your SLEDGEHAMMER in your chest not your drawers! That's where you keep all your valuable goodies you get from Andrew Hussie every birthday.

HS: Quickly retrieve the other arms from your BOOTY CHEST



You look inside the chest on the other side of the room where you keep an array of humorous and useless ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED DOOFUS or a CUNNING PSYCHOPATH.

You are neither of these things.

Among the ARTIFACTS are: TWO (2) BEAR ARMS [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED IN YOUR SYLLADEX], EIGHT (8) EIGHT SIDED DICE, ONE (1) UNBREAKABLE KATANNA, ONE (1) MAGICIAN'S HAT, ONE (1) PAIR OF DAVE'S GLASSES, SEVERAL (~) SMOKE PELLETS, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, and ONE (1) COPY OF ANDREW HUSSIE'S MSPAINTADVENTURES COMIC BOOK, and ONE (1) COPY OF A LARGE BLACK BOOK.

Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. For now, you decide to just take the SMOKE PELLETS.

HS: Look at the bunny on drawer



PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

I SAID, PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

WHY COULDN'T YOU PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX?

Hahahahaaa anyways, you now feel like you have gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff. The next thing you do will probably be exceptionally meaningful.

HS: Chew on SMOKE PELLETS and run around the room, screaming "I AM FIRE! I AM DEATH!"



That is the most idiotic thing you have ever heard in your entire life.

You feel exceptionally stupider just by thinking about it.

Although, imitating a dragon does sound like something one of your friends would do. Hmm...

HS: Drink Faygo.



You're sick to death of Faygo!!! You've been drinking it all day. And you have no intention of clogging your SYLLADEX with it either. The FAYGO stays put for now.

HS: Examine incoming message.



You pull up to your COMPUTER. This is where you spend most of your time. You decorated your desktop with some rather handsome WALLPAPER which you made yourself. You are really proud of it.

Your PESTERCHUM application is flashing. Someone is trying to get in touch with you.

HS: Open Pesterchum.



Only one of your CHUMS is logged in. Oh great, it's him. And he's sent you a message.

HS: Open message.



-- 2P!filicianoVargas [FG] began pestering updateTroller [UT] at 16:13 --

[FG]: WOW I SAW ON YOUR PROFILE THAT TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY, TOO BAD YOU DON'T AMOUNT TO ANYTHING TO THE WORLD FOR ANYBODY TO CARE.

-- updateTroller [UT] joined chat at 16:16 --

[UT]: firSt you Stalk me and now your trying to belittle me, you muSt really love making a fool of yourself don't you?

[FG]: I'VE HEARD BETTER COMEBACKS FROM MY THREE-YEAR OLD BROTHER, I HOPE YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON THE CAKE THAT CAME FROM MY TOILET.

[UT]: Wow firSt, that'S diSguSting, and Second, wHat's witH all the SHit you're Spewing on me, I didn't do anytHing to you and plus we Have notHing in common!

[FG]: EXACTLY, BECAUSE YOU AGREE THAT MY SHOW: HETALIA: AXIS POWERS IS BETTER IN EVERY WAY MORE THAN HOMOSUCK.

[UT]: Dude, you are So full of yourSelf! do you actually believe tHat axiS powerS or wHatever can amount to anytHing cloSe to the god-given webcomic of the internet, wHicH iS HomeStuck? You muSt be HigH on acid or Something.

[FG]: NO YOUR ON ACID IF YOU THINK THAT YOUR CRAPPY COMIC IS BETTER THAN AXIS POWERS, IT'S THE GREATEST THING SINCE PASTA!

[UT]: go kill yourSelf.

-- updateTroller [UT] ceased pestering 2P!filicianoVargas [FG] at 16:20—My god, you hate that guy.

HS: Look out window.





Thx you needed some air to breath after the shit stench wafting from your computer screen. While your ventilating you notice the view of your yard from your window.

Hanging from the tree is your TIRE SWING. You have no idea why you have one, but Andrew Hussie likes to think your still his little boy. That is to say, HE CAN HARDLY BE CONSIDERED A GOOD PARENT AT ALL. But you digress.

And there beside your driveway is the mailbox.

HS: Initiate extended shenanagins in order to obtain Sburb disks.



Why the hell would you do a thing like that? You've got the disc right here. Your "father" made sure to keep you responsible for it while he's out grocery shopping. After he get's back then it'll be good time to start.

Oh, you can't wait to play this game! You're going to do it with nobody but your closest friends, so the bunch of you can have the adventure of a billion lifetimes. Plus FG definitely won't be there, no sir. There's no way you'll end up roped into this quest with your rival. It's statistically impossible.

You can't help but wonder if those musings might be upsettingly debunked in the future.

HS: Go outside and check the mailbox.



You are about to hurry down stairs when you hear a car pull into the driveway. It looks like your DAD has returned from the grocery store.

Oh great. He'll probably beat you to the mail.

'''HS: Forget it. Check the mail later.'''



If you go down stairs to get it, he will likely monopolize hours of your time. You decide to chill out up here for a while until the dust settles.

Sometimes you feel like you are trapped in this room. Stuck, if you will, in a sense which possibly borders on the titular.

And now one of your chums is pestering you. The clockwork of friendship turns ceaselessly, never stopping for breath until the whole day is burned out!

Whatever. The dude can just hold his horses.

HS: Examine CD rack.





You've put countless man-hours into this assortment of quality anime titles like Naruto, Dragon Ball Z, and One Piece.

HS: Captchalogue Hook.



MAN DOOR HAND HOOK CAR DOOR

HS: Set Pesterchum status to "bully".



You don't think the situation is quite dire enough to go all the way to "RANCOROUS", but you still feel the PESTERCHUM client should reflect your mood change in some way.

"BULLY" will have to do. You guess.

This unsurprisingly does nothing whatsoever.

Oh, right, you forgot your chum is still pestering you.

HS: Answer chum.



-- badwolf Fezzes began pestering updateTroller [UT] at 16:22--

[BF]: ¿Hey you ready to play the game?

[BF]: ¿I already got my virtual helmet in the mail, so I'm ready when you are.?

[UT]: I'm ready, but we juSt Have to wait for my dad to Stop goofing around and get to busSineSS. AS for me I've been buSy spending all afternoon SHitting around with my Stupid Sylladex.

[BF]: ¿What's your modus?

[UT]: HuH?

[BF]: ¿the thing that you store items in like a Tardis bag.?

[UT]: oH. mine is fetcH. It putS eacH item like one at a time I gueSS. and if I put too mucH in, SometHing falls out.

[BF]: ¿Stack huh? It's a miracle that you don't destroy everything in your wake huh?

[UT]: Yah well, what'S yourS?

[BF]: ¿Do you even have to ask? It's the Tardis of course. I call it smexy.?

updateTroller [UT]: Oooo, wHat doeS the TardiS moduS do?

[BF]: ¿It let's you store any thing you want throughout time. It's one of my inventions. Oh and if you need help on your modus, you should probably brush up on your data structures.?

[UT]: ya ok.

[BF]: ¿Did you at least allocate your strife specibus?

[UT]: no not really...

[BF]: ¿It could free up a card for you, plus let you attack stuff whenever things get too hot to handle. Which would probably be rare in your case.?

[UT]: tHx man

[BF]: ¿No problem my friend. Be sure to message me when your ready.?

[UT]: ya

HS: Combine hook with the bunny.



You stick the HOOK on top of the BUNNY on your bed.

This definitely makes the BUNNy at least 300% more more badass. You're sure Nicolas Cage would be proud.

HS: Allocate hammer to strife specibus.





You don't know what the word "allocate" means, but you check the back of your STRIFE SPECIBUS anyways for the KIND ABSTRATUS you have in mind for it. HS: Select "HAMMER".





Your STRIFE SPECIBUS has been ALLOCATED with the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS.

The HAMMER has been moved from your CAPTCHALOGUE DECK to your STRIFE DECK.

HS: Report progress to BF.



[UT]: Ok, I did it.

[BF]: ¿Hammerkind?

[UT]: yeaH

[BF]: ¿Ok then that will be the permanent allocation for your specibus.?

[BF]: ¿Sorry, I guess I should have mentioned that before...?

[UT]: uH...

[BF]: ¿I hope you really like hammers.?

[UT]: YeaH, that'S fine i gueSS. I don't think it'S going to be all that important anywayS.

HS: Captchalogue Homestuck book in chest.



Now that you've got some space in your SYLLADEX to work with, you figure you might as well start squandering it immediately.

Ordinarily this ridiculous book would be way too heavy to carry around in any practical way. You guess maybe this is one respect in which the cards present some convenience.

HS: Examine large black book.



HS: Read first page.

You make quite sure NOT to captchalogue it, and simply pick it up and read it.



It is a thick programming manual called "~ATH - A HANDBOOK FOR THE IMMINENTLY DECEASED."

~ATH is an insufferable language to work with. Its logic is composed of nothing but infinite loops, or at best, loops of effectively interminable construction.

The above page in the intro section documents the simplest possible ~ATH code structure. Any code deviating from this basic structure will not compile.

You have a whole bunch of code samples you've been messing around with on your computer. It's been frustrating at best, and debilitating to your machine at worst.

HS: Captchalogue magician's hat.



You expend your final card on the MAGICIAN'S HAT that came with the chest.

HS: Get Dave's shades too.



You don't have a free card in your SYLLADEX!

However, you are able to MERGE the DAVE'S SHADES with the MAGICIAN'S HAT to create a COOL DISGUISE

HS: Wear disguise to fool dad.





Homestuck? Who is this "Homestuck" you speak of? You are quite certain there has never been, nor ever will be...

Yeah, this is a really awesome disguise.

While you are wearing the items, they remain on the card, but it is temporarily removed from the deck, thus freeing up the cards beneath it.

HS: Leave room.



You exit into the HALLWAY or what he calls the HALL OF HUSSIE.

On one wall hangs a picture of a Homosuck version of his dad, which coincidentally was your first drawing on ms paint. He hangs it on the wall so he can feel proud that he taught him to do it. You on the other hand couldn't care less.

On the other wall is one of your DAD'S stupid rendition of one of his crazy acid trips. Or COCAINE, as he is quick to correct anyone who would venture such brazen assumption.

HS: Go downstairs.





The stinking odor of failed burnt goods waft into your newfound nostrils. Something is brewing in the KITCHEN, and it's probably burning. Most likely he left the oven on for too long, leaving the house to stink to high heaven.

This mission is going to be more difficult than you imagined.

HS: Admire Fancy Santas.



You check out the shelves of FANCY SANTAS.

Look at this fucking garbage. You hate this stuff. Funny is funny, but your DAD sure can be a real doofus.

Sometimes at night you pray for burglars.

HS: Examine Fireplace.



A bright orange flame flickers in the FIREPLACE. It doesn't matter that it's April and not terribly chilly outside. In a home, a FIREPLACE needs a fire, because that's what FIREPLACE is for. You question your father's sanity again when it's boiling hot outside, but that's the explanation he gives you when you try to ask him to turn it off.

He even goes further to say that as domestic myth of unaccountable origin holds, a home borrows the spirit of the flame for as long as it makes a guest of it, much as the moon takes liberty with the sun's rays, whatever that means.

HS: Toss Homestuck book.



No! This book is a precious gift from your father when you where a baby, there's no way your sending this into the fiery depths of hell. One day you'll read this again in your spare time but until then your keeping it safe and sound in your sylladex.

HS: Fondly regard cremation.



You examine the SACRED URN containing your departed LITTLE CAL'S ASHES.

When your father gives his portrait a wistful glance now and then, you can tell it brings back painful memories.

He never wants to talk about it.

HS: Topple urn.



Godammit, You clumsily mishandle the SACRED URN. Ashes are everywhere.

In retrospect, upon mulling cinematic tropes regarding ash-filled urns, this outcome was a virtual certainty.

You'd probably better clean it up before Andrew Hussie sees it.

HS: Combine father's tea cup with cool disguise.



You think now would be a good time to beef up your COOL DISGUISE.

HS: Examine oversized gift.





Contemplating what could be inside this package is sort of exciting, but it makes you a little nervous at the same time.

HS: Open large present.



Oh hell no.

HS: Captchalogue ashes.



First you prop the CENTAUR BUTLER DOLL up on the couch. Having it in the middle of the floor and in your way makes you feel irritated.

You captchalogue the ASHES to your available card.

HS: Combine ashes with urn.





You merge the SACRED URN with the ASHES.

Most of the ASH is back in the URN, but it's a total mess. Really it probably would have been tidier if you just used a broom and dustpan.

HS: Put urn back.







No one will be the wiser.

Except maybe for people with eyes.

HS: Go get hook hand again.



You just got another BRILLIANT idea for something to do with this pointless hook. You swipe it off of the BUNNY and captchalogue it.

Looks like PESTERCHUM is acting up again.

HS: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room.



HS: Check Pesterchum.





It's him again. Now that your calm you should probably hear him out.

HS: Check message.



-- filicianoVargas [FG] began pestering updateTroller [UT] at 16:26 --

[FG]: hey I'm sorry about earlier man, my brother got a hold of my computer and started talking shit to people online :/

-- updateTroller [UT] joined chat at 16:29 --

[UT]: It'S fine bro.

[UT]: I wiSH you'd Have more control over Him tHough.

[UT]: AnywayS, did you get your virtual Helmet in the mail yet? I'm dying to play it.

[FG]: *sighs a breath of relief*

[FG]: no not yet, hopefully tomorrow it'll come in, but I've been waiting for a long time

[FG]: so hey off topic, but I heard that your having your birthday today

[UT]: WHoever told you tHat iS a filtHy liar. XD

[UT]: Brb I need to get my dad to play the game.

[FG]: alright I'll tell you when I get the VR, have a wonderful day :D

[UT]: You too. :)

HS: Go back downstairs.



You can now execute that brilliant idea you had.

There should be just enough FAYGO on the HOOK to serve as an adequate sticky adhesive.

HS: Attach hook to doll.



Hahahahahahaha.

You have collected the mysterious and strangely mystical centaur unicorn. Let it forever grace this house with its rainbow poops.

HS: Throw present wrap in fire.



Now that you have that out of the way...

HS: Read the Homestuck Book.





You flip through the book until you see a picture of the hammer currently in your syllabus.

You wonder how Andrew Hussie got the hammer for your last birthday. You probably may never know.

HS: Find dad and ask permission to play game.



The door on the left leads to the KITCHEN, from which the horrible smell of burning goods wafts—a powerful scent that would turn a portly flower to wilt.

The door on the right leads to the STUDY, where your DAD spends a lot of time drawing.

He could be in either room. Where will you go?

HS: Go in the study.



It doesn't look like he's in here right now.

HS: Examine father's desk.



On the desk lays one of your DAD'S DRAWING TABLETS and pretty much nothing else, your father always took pride in his clean work environment.

Over the fireplace hangs your father's priceless painting of a stallion running head first into a football player that was bought with all the Kickstarter money for HOMESTUCK.

HS: Draw something on the tablet.



Hehehe

HS: Attempt to leave the house.



You go back into the LIVING ROOM and contemplate checking outside. You think perhaps you should exhaust all possibilities before plunging headlong into a DAD encounter.

Your TELEVISION is currently airing a COMMERCIAL (Sorry gifs aren't available).

HS: Exit.

You exit the house.